Am I My Brother’s Wiper?

February 2013, Wyatt is almost seven, Duncan is going on four, Milo is one-and-a-half.

I am putting Milo down for a nap when I hear the door to the hallway open.  Milo is almost asleep on my chest, but I know that if I try to extricate myself now, he will wake up and I will have to start over again.  I am thinking, Please don’t knock. Please don’t come in. Please be quiet. Please don’t need me…

Then I hear their little voices.  They are trying to speak quietly, but whispering is not a strength of theirs.

“You go first, Dunky.”

“No, you, Wyatt.” 

“Are you sure? I take a while.”

“But I take a while, too!”

“Okay, okay, I can hold it. You go first.”

I hear them enter the bathroom.  Duncan is humming a little as he puts his seat on the potty.  A minute passes.

“Duncan, flush.”

“But I not done, Wyatt!”

“It’s called a ‘courtesy flush’.  Just do it, Dunk, please!”

The toilet flushes.  Duncan laughs, “Whew! That was windy on my bum-bum!”

“I think I’m going to finish my lunch,” Wyatt says.  “Call me when you’re done.”

Approximately ten seconds later, he calls from the dining room, “Duncan, are you almost done?”


“Are you like, halfway done?”


“Quarter of the way?”

“Uh… nope.”


“Um, Wyatt?”


“Can you bring me a book?”

Wyatt lets out an exasperated sigh, “Duncan, I really, really need to go!”

Duncan says sagely, “Books always makes poopin’ easier.”

Wyatt sounds just like me when he answers, “Okay, okay, okay, but just hurry up.”

“Thank you, Wyatt.”

A minute later, Duncan announces, “I’m all done!”

“Oh, good!” Wyatt’s momentary elation is quickly chased by an unforeseen concern: “Think you can, uh.. um… think you can wipe yourself, Dunky?”


“But Mommy said not to disturb her!”

“You wipe me.”

“Okay,” Wyatt says with resignation, “okay, um, just flush first before I get near you.”

The toilet flushes again.

“Oh, man,” says Wyatt.

Milo is finally asleep in the bed.  I sneak out of the bedroom and enter the bathroom.  Wyatt is holding his nose with one hand and grimacing while trying to wipe Duncan’s bottom without looking at it.

 “Oh, Mommy,” he says, relief flooding his face, “it’s you!  Good, because I am not ready for this!”

2 thoughts on “Am I My Brother’s Wiper?

  1. Melissa

    That is truly hilarious!! I literally have tears in my eyes from laughing! Your boys are just the best! What good brothers!!!

    1. Linz Post author

      I am so glad you like it, Melissa! Thanks for taking the time to comment here and sing my praises to the family. I wish we could make it to the meeting so I could see you guys and get to know J & W.


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